andy (yourheroshatesu) wrote,

  • Music:

Full throttle now..

I take everything I have for granted; Kate, my band, my car, my job, music dept. at school, evertyhing. I should be happy, I have all these things. I still feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I don't know what I can do, I never feel like I truly get everything out, maybe I have to be honest with myself first. But how can you be honest with yourself if you aren't even sure that you aren't already? Enemies and friends are interchangable, whether or not people want to accept it. Within minutes, your best friends become your worst enemies, and it's such a psychological hell-hole when things like that happen, stability is lost, and it leaves a scar in your memory. Next time you have friends, you hold back, trying to keep something from happening, a reflex to keep yourself from being hurt again. Typical evolutionary trait. And somehow, I think I made my mind beleive I had hurt myself this way, and it's subconciously burying my own thoughts to keep from hurting myself. Does that make sense? I don't know; maybe it's the fact that I don't get enough sleep every night tied in with the fact I have no time to sit back and just think and let things out or whatever. I haven't written in four months, I don't know if I'm afraid of what will come out; because my mind just draws a blank, over and over. It's like cancer, it's a part of me that's just slowly killing the rest of me. I struggled so much to try to get SOMETHING out, all I could get was a couple lines. The band likes it, so it's going to our new song we are recording May 28th. I can't tell whether or not I actually want that, because I'm just not happy with it. I'm not happy with myself, I know I have higher potential and I just can't do it anymore. I don't know why but I can't. I feel like a failure; my life revolves around music, kate, and trying to get a step ahead of being poor. And I can't even handle that, I can't even get ahead in any way; making it by through working 20 hours a week and buying clothes at St. Vincent DePaul and Salvation Army. All the while rich local kids can afford the nice clothes and buy the cheap clothes to be scene. Fuck you scene and everything that you've created. It's like this deity is just hovering over me picking everything I've even been interested in and destroying it. I need to stop bitching
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